Jason Kenney’s Happy Place
Jason Kenney’s Happy Place, a work of lo-fi impressionism, is evocative of the gardens of Giverny, the modern Eden in which Claude Monet created some of his most enduring work. They crystallize calm and reflection into a startling vibrance. During this turbulent time, I thought Kenney could use his own reminder of peaceful solitude. He is depicted doing the catwalk before a slobbering cadre of millions of dollars worth of UCP staffers with glitzy titles like “talent manager” “tour manager”, and “twitter guy”. Knees akimbo to conceal flush genitals, Kenney is screaming the Buffalo Declaration at the enraptured onlookers: “would you f*ck me? I’d f*ck me hard. I’d f*ck me so hard”
I’m hoping this reminder of a simpler past will serve as something of a mental sanctuary during this moment of historic uncertainty. In a matter of mere months, the UCP has transitioned from their typical malicious flailing into the more garden variety desperate and confused flailing that we see today.
As Kenney reopens the economy, he’s weirdly left the hard-working job creators that fuel Alberta’s world class energy sector in the dark by suspending all environmental reporting requirements. This effectively gives the province a worse environmental monitoring system than the smokers in Waterworld. (They had that frail old guy high as balls on oil fumes in the rusted hull of the Exxon Valdez). Oh hell haha christ yeah we’re screwed
Anyhow, how come I’m allowed to go to Hudson’s to drink my Molson Canadian 67 Session Hop IPA and tell my mask wearing server that she should smize more, but the provincial government won’t do everything it can to protect the world class reputation and viability of Alberta’s most important industry? Is he a stupid piece of sh*t? Or are we, the voters, the stupid pieces of sh*t? Or more aporpotately, it probablt both!
It is my hope that this painting will remind Jason that he’s supposed to be making decisions in the interests of the greedy cabal of oil and gas CEOs that have governed this province for decades, not literally nobody.
I procured this masterwork of virtuosic subtlety on the news that the UCP has hired Dustin Van Vugt (pronounced “Dustin Van F*ckhead) as their executive director. He’s the guy that helped Andrew Scheer secretly steal from the CPC to send his kids to private school. As a Clooney-esque playboy with no brood to speak of, Kenney will need an outlet to spend his own secret slush fund of pilfered bills. Given that the UCP had gone broke even before the ‘vid-19 with nothing to show for it, it’s clear that all they know how to do is waste money on ridiculous bullsh*t. I haven’t heard from them yet, so this is your chance to get in on the ground floor of a huge investment opportunity. It’s only a matter of time
Jason Kenney’s Happy Place is 4ft x 5ft, acrylic and oil pastel on canvas. You might be leery about the prospects of the provincial government spending money on a painting that represents an abstract and impossible idea, but remember they already spent 1.5 billion on the imaginary Keystone XL pipeline and they didn’t even get a f*cking painting! Haha yeehaw yeehaw! You can have it for One War Room or best offer. Prints available